Hiding? 78 Hay Fever

Hiding?

78 Hay Fever

Sandy Yes; I didn’t want to run up against any of the family.

Jackie I wish I’d never come. I had horrible nightmares with all those fearful dragons crawling across the walls.

Sandy Dragons?

Jackie Yes; I’m in a Japanese room – everything in it’s

Japanese, even the bed. Sandy How awful!

Jackie (looks up at stairs to see if anyone is coming) they’re all mad, you know.

I believe

The Blisses?

Yes – they must be.

I’ve been thinking that too.

Do you suppose they know they’re mad? No; people never do.

It was Mr Bliss asked me down and he hasn’t paid any attention to me at all. I went into his study soon after I arrived yesterday, and he said, ‘Who the hell are you?’

Sandy Didn’t he remember?

Jackie He did afterwards; then he brought me down to tea and left me.

Sandy Jackie Sandy Jackie Sandy

Jackie

Are you really engaged to Simon?

(bursting into tears again) Oh, no – I hope not!

You were, last night.

So were you – to Sorel.

Not properly. We talked it over.

I don’t know what happened to me. I was in the garden with Simon, and he was being awfully sweet, and then he suddenly kissed me, and rushed into the house and

Sandy Jackie Sandy Jackie Sandy

Jackie

said we were engaged – and that hateful Judith asked me to make him happy!

Sandy That’s exactly what happened to me and Sorel. Judith gave us to one another before we knew where we were.

Jackie How frightful!

Sandy I like Sorel, though; she was jolly decent about it

afterwards.

Jackie I think she’s a cat. Sandy Why?

Jackie Look at the way she lost her temper over that beastly game.

All the same, she’s better than the others.

That wouldn’t be very difficult. (hiccups loudly) Hic!

I beg your pardon?

(abashed ) I say – I’ve got hiccups.

Hold your breath.

It was because I bolted my breakfast. (He holds his

Hold it as long as you can.

counts aloud. There is a pause.

(letting his breath go with a gasp) I can’t any more –

Jackie (rises and gets sugar basin from side table down L.) Eat a lump of sugar.

Sandy (taking one) I’m awfully sorry.

Jackie I don’t mind – but it’s a horrid feeling, isn’t it? Sandy Horrid – hic!

Sandy

Jackie

Sandy

Jackie

Sandy

Jackie

Sandy

breath.)

Jackie

Jackie

Sandy

hic!

Act Three 79

80 Hay Fever

Jackie ( puts sugar basin down in front of Sandy and sits again

– conversationally) People have died from hiccups you know. Sandy ( gloomily) Have they?

Jackie Yes. An aunt of mine once had them for three days without stopping.

Sandy How beastly!

Jackie (with relish) She had to have the doctor, and everything.

Sandy

Jackie

Sandy

Jackie

Sandy

I expect mine will stop soon.

I hope they will.

Hic! Damn!

Drink some water the wrong way round. How do you mean – the wrong way round?

Jackie (rising) The wrong side of the glass. I’ll show you.

(She goes to side table L.) There isn’t any water.

Sandy (rises and stands below table) Perhaps coffee would do

as well.

Jackie I’ve never tried coffee, but it might. (Picks up his

cup and hands it to him.) There you are! Sandy (anxiously) What do I do?

Jackie Tip it up and drink from the opposite side, sort of upside down.

Sandy (trying) I can’t reach any—

Jackie (suddenly) Look out – somebody’s coming. Bring it

into the library – quick. Sandy Bring the sugar.

Jackie picks up sugar basin and runs into library, leaving Sandy to follow.

Sandy I might need it again – hic! Oh, God!

He goes off into the library hurriedly.

Richard comes downstairs. He glances round a trifle anxiously, goes to the window, looks out at the rain and shivers, then pulling himself together, he goes boldly to the barometer and taps it. It falls off the wall and breaks; he picks it up quickly and places it on the piano. Then he helps himself to some breakfast and sits down C. chair L. of table.

Myra appears on the stairs, very smart and bright. Myra (vivaciously) Good morning.

Richard (half rising) Good morning.

Myra Are we the first down?

Richard No, I don’t think so.

Myra (looking out of the window) Isn’t this rain miserable?

Richard Appalling! (Starts to drink his coffee.)

Myra Where’s the barometer? (Crosses to side table L.)

Richard (at the mention of barometer, Richard chokes) On the piano.

Myra What a queer place for it to be! Richard I tapped it, and it fell down.

Myra Typical of this house. (At side table.) Are you having eggs and bacon, or haddock?

Richard Haddock.

Myra I’ll have haddock too. I simply couldn’t strike out a line for myself this morning. (She helps herself to haddock and coffee, and sits down opposite Richard.) Have you seen anybody.

Richard No.

Myra Good. We might have a little peace. Richard Have you ever stayed here before? Myra No, and I never will again.

Act Three 81

82 Hay Fever

Richard I feel far from well this morning. Myra I’m so sorry, but not entirely surprised. Richard You see, I had the boiler room. Myra How terrible!

Richard The window stuck and I couldn’t open it – I was nearly suffocated. The pipes made peculiar noises all night, as well.

Myra (looks round table) There isn’t any sugar.

Richard Oh – we’d better ring.

Myra I doubt if it will be the slightest use, but we’ll try.

Richard (rising and ringing bell, above door L.) Do the whole family have breakfast in bed?

Myra I neither know – nor care.

Richard (returns to his seat) They’re strange people, aren’t

they?

Myra I think ‘strange’ is putting it mildly.

Enter Clara. She comes to top of table.

Clara What’s the matter?

Myra There isn’t any sugar.

Clara There is – I put it ’ere myself.

Myra Perhaps you’d find it for us, then?

Clara (searching) That’s very funny. I could ’ave sworn on me Bible oath I brought it in.

Myra Well, it obviously isn’t here now.

Clara Someone’s taken it – that’s what it is.

Richard It seems a queer thing to do.

Myra Do you think you could get us some more? Clara Oh, yes, I’ll fetch you some. (Looks suspiciously and

Act Three 83 shakes her finger at Richard.) But mark my words, there’s

been some ’anky-panky somewhere. (She goes out.) Richard looks after her.

Myra Clara is really more at home in a dressing-room than a house.

Richard Was she Judith’s dresser?

Myra Of course. What other excuse could there possibly

be for her?

Richard She seems good-natured, but quaint. Myra This haddock’s disgusting.

Richard It isn’t very nice, is it?

Re-enter Clara, with sugar. She plumps it down on the table.

There you are, dear! Thank you.

It’s a shame the weather’s changed – you might ’ave ’ad such fun up the river.

There comes the sound of a crash from the library, and a scream. What’s that? (Crosses to door and flings it open.) Come out!

What are you doing?

Jackie and Sandy enter, rather shamefaced.

Jackie Good morning. I’m afraid we’ve broken a coffee-

cup.

Clara Was there any coffee in it?

Sandy Yes, a good deal.

Clara (rushing into the library) Oh dear, all over the carpet! Sandy It was my fault. I’m most awfully sorry.

Jackie moves up L. above table.

Clara reappears.

Clara

Myra

Clara

84 Hay Fever

Clara How did you come to do it?

Jackie Well, you see, he had the hiccups, and I was showing him how to drink upside down.

Myra How ridiculous!

Clara Well, thank ’Eaven it wasn’t one of the Crown

Derbys.

She goes out.

Sandy They’ve gone now, anyhow. (Moves up to window

and looks out.)

Jackie It was the sudden shock, I expect.

Sandy (observantly) I say – it’s raining!

Myra It’s been raining for hours.

Richard Mrs Arundel—

Myra Yes?

Richard What are you going to do about – about to- day?

Myra Nothing, except go up to London by the first train possible.

Richard Do you mind if I come too? I don’t think I could face another day like yesterday.

Jackie Neither could I. (Comes down to chair below Richard and sits.)

Sandy (comes eagerly to top of table and sits) Let’s all go away – quietly!

Richard Won’t it seem a little rude if we all go? Myra Yes, it will. (To Sandy.) You and Miss Coryton

must stay.

Jackie I don’t see why.

Sandy I don’t think they’d mind very much.

Myra Yes, they would. You must let Mr Greatham and me get away first, anyhow. Ring for Clara. I want to find out about trains.

Sandy rings bell and returns to his seat.

Richard I hope they won’t all come down now.

Myra You needn’t worry about that; they’re sure to roll about in bed for hours – they’re such a slovenly family.

Richard Have you got much packing to do? Myra No; I did most of it before I came down. Re-enter Clara – comes to top of table.

Clara What is it now?

Myra Can you tell me what trains there are up to London?

Clara

Myra

Clara

Myra

time.

When?

This morning.

Why? – you’re not leaving, are you?

Yes; Mr Greatham and I have to be up by lunch-

Well, you’ve missed the 10.15. Obviously.

Clara

Myra

Clara

Richard Good heavens! Clara And that’s a slow one. She goes out.

There isn’t another till 12.30.

Sandy (to Jackie) Look here. I’ll take you up in my car as soon as you like.

Jackie All right; lovely!

Myra Oh, you have got a car, haven’t you?

Act Three 85

86 Hay Fever

Sandy Yes.

Myra Will it hold all of us?

Jackie You said it would be rude for us all to go. Hadn’t you and Mr Greatham better wait for the train?

Myra Certainly not.

Richard (to Sandy) If there is room, we should be very, very grateful.

I think I can squeeze you in. Then that’s settled.

When shall we start?

As soon as you’re ready. (Rises.)

Mrs Arundel, what are you going to do about tipping Clara?

Myra I don’t know. (To Richard.) What do you think?

Sandy

Myra

Jackie

Sandy

Jackie

Richard

Jackie

Richard

Sandy

I’ve hardly seen her since I’ve been here. Isn’t there a housemaid or anything?

I don’t think so. Is ten bob enough?

Jackie Each?

Myra Too much.

Richard We’d better give her one pound ten between us.

Myra Very well, then. Will you do it, and we’ll settle up

in the car?

Richard Must I?

Myra Yes. Ring for her.

Richard You’d do it much better.

Myra Oh, no, I shouldn’t. (To Jackie.) Come on; we’ll finish our packing. (Rises and goes to stairs.)

Jackie All right. (She follows Myra.)

They begin to go upstairs.

Richard (rises and goes to C.) Here – don’t leave me.

Sandy (crosses to door R.) I’ll just go and look at the car. Will you all be ready in ten minutes?

Myra Yes, ten minutes.

She goes off with Jackie.

Sandy Righto! (He rushes out.)

Richard moves over to bell as Clara re-enters with large tray. Clara ’Allo, where’s everybody gone?

Richard (sorts out thirty shillings from his note-case) They’ve gone to get ready. We’re leaving in Mr Tyrell’s car.

Clara A bit sudden, isn’t it?

Richard ( pressing the money into her hand ) This is from all

of us, Clara. Thank you very much for all your trouble.

Clara (surprised ) Aren’t you a dear, now! There wasn’t any trouble.

Richard There must have been a lot of extra work. Clara One gets used to that ’ere.

Richard Good morning, Clara.

Clara Good morning, hope you’ve been comfortable. Richard Com— Oh, yes. (He goes upstairs.)

Clara proceeds to clear away the dirty breakfast things, which she takes out singing ‘Tea for Two’ in a very shrill voice. She returns with a fresh pot of coffee, and meets Judith coming downstairs.

Judith ( goes to head of table and sits) Good morning, Clara. Have the papers come?

Clara Yes – I’ll fetch them. (She goes out and re-enters with papers, which she gives to Judith.)

Act Three 87

88 Hay Fever

Judith Thank you. You’ve forgotten my orange-juice.

Clara ( pours out a cup of coffee for Judith) No, I ’aven’t, dear; it’s just outside. (She goes out again.)

Judith turns to the theatrical column of the ‘Sunday Times’. Sorel comes downstairs and kisses her.

Sorel Good morning, darling.

Judith Listen to this. (She reads.) ‘We saw Judith Bliss in a box at the Haymarket on Tuesday, looking as lovely as ever.’ There now! I thought I looked hideous on Tuesday.

Sorel You looked sweet. (She goes to get herself some breakfast, and sits L. of Judith.)

Clara reappears, with a glass of orange-juice.

Clara There you are, dear. (Placing it in front of Judith.)

Did you see that nice bit in the Referee? Judith No – the Times.

Clara The Referee’s much better. (She finds the place and hands it to Sorel.)

Sorel (reading) ‘I saw gay and colourful Judith Bliss at the Waifs and Strays Matine ́e last week. She was talking vivaciously to Producer Basil Dean. “’sooth,” said I to myself, “where ignorance is Bliss, ’tis folly to be wise.”’

Judith (taking it from her) Dear Referee! It’s so unselfconscious.

Clara If you want any more coffee, ring for it. (She goes out.)

Sorel I wish I were sitting on a lovely South Sea Island, with masses of palm-trees and coconuts and turtles—

Judith It would be divine, wouldn’t it? Sorel I wonder where everybody is.

Judith (still reading) I wonder . . . Mary Saunders has got another failure.

Sorel She must be used to it by now. Simon comes downstairs with a rush.

Simon (kissing Judith) Good morning, darling. Look! (He shows her a newly-completed sketch.)

Judith

Simon

Simon! How lovely! When did you do it? This morning – I woke early.

Let’s see. (Takes sketch from Simon.) face; it’s too pink.

Sorel (laughing) It’s exactly like her. (Puts it on chair beside her.)

Judith ( patting his cheek) What a clever son I have! Simon Now then, Mother! (He gets himself breakfast.)

Judith It’s too wonderful – when I think of you both in your perambulators. . . . Oh dear, it makes me cry! (She sniffs.)

Sorel I don’t believe you ever saw us in our perambulators.

Judith I don’t believe I did.

Simon, having got his breakfast, sits at table R. of Judith.

Sorel

Simon (looking over her shoulder) I’m going to alter Helen’s

David

David

Judith

David

Judith

comes downstairs. (hilariously) It’s finished!

What, dear?

The Sinful Woman. (He kisses Judith.) How splendid! Read it to us now.

David (takes chair from table and sits L.C.) I’ve got the last

chapter here.

Judith Go on, then.

Sandy rushes in from the front door. On seeing everyone, he halts.

Act Three 89

90 Hay Fever

Sandy Good morning. (He bolts upstairs, two at a time.)

There is a pause, they all look after him.

Judith I seem to know that boy’s face.

David ( preparing to read ) Listen! You remember that bit when Violet was taken ill in Paris?

Judith Yes, dear. – Marmalade, Simon. He passes it to her.

David Well, I’ll go on from there. Judith Do, dear.

David (reading) ‘Paris in spring, with the Champs Elyse ́es alive and dancing in the sunlight; lightly-dressed children like gay painted butterflies—’

Simon (shouting to Sorel) What’s happened to the barometer?

Sorel (sibilantly) I don’t know.

Damn the barometer!

Don’t get cross, dear.

Why can’t you keep quiet, Simon, or go away.

Sorry, Father.

Well, don’t interrupt again . . . (Reading.) ‘. . . gay painted butterflies; the streets were thronged with hurrying vehicles, the thin peek-peek of taxi-hooters—’

Sorel I love ‘peek-peek’.

David (ignoring her) ‘– seemed to merge in with the other vivid noises, weaving a vast pattern of sound which was Paris—’

David Judith David Simon

David

Judith David Judith

What was Paris, dear? Which was Paris.

What was Paris?

David You can’t say a vast pattern of sound what was Paris.

A slight pause.

Judith

David

Judith

Yes, but— What was Paris?

A vast pattern of sound which was Paris.

Oh, I see.

‘Jane Sefton, in her scarlet Hispano, swept out of the Rue St Honore ́ into the Place de la Concorde—’

Judith She couldn’t have. David Why?

Judith The Rue St Honore ́ doesn’t lead into the Place de la Concorde.

David

David Sorel

Father.

David Judith

Yes, it does.

You’re thinking of the Rue Boissy d’Anglais,

I’m not thinking of anything of the sort.

David darling, don’t be obstinate.

David (hotly) Do you think I don’t know Paris as well as you do?

Simon Sorel David Judith

Never mind. Father’s probably right. He isn’t right – he’s wrong!

Go on with your food, Sorel.

Don’t be testy, David; it’s a sign of age.

David ( firmly) ‘Jane Sefton, in her scarlet Hispano, swept out of the Rue St Honore ́ into the Place de la Concorde—’

Judith

alter it?

David Judith

That sounds absolutely ridiculous! Why don’t you

It isn’t ridiculous; it’s perfectly right.

Very well, then; get a map, and I’ll show you.

Act Three 91

92 Hay Fever

Simon We haven’t got a map.

David ( putting his MS down) Now, look here, Judith – here’s the Rue Royale – (He arranges the butter-dish and marmalade pot.) – here’s the Crillon Hotel, and here’s the Rue St Honore ́—

Judith David Judith

It isn’t – it’s the Boissy d’Anglais.

That runs parallel with the Rue de Rivoli. You’ve got it all muddled.

David (loudly – banging the table with his fist) I have not got it all muddled.

Don’t shout. You have.

Why not let Father get on with it?

It’s so silly to get cross at criticism – it indicates a small mind.

Judith

Simon

Judith

David Judith

minute.

Small mind my foot!

That was very rude. I shall go to my room in a

I wish you would.

Sorel Look here, Father, Mother’s right. (Starts to draw

David

Judith (outraged ) David!

map.) Here’s the Place de la Concorde— Simon (shouting at her) Oh, shut up, Sorel!

Sorel (shouting back at him) Shut up yourself, you pompous little beast!

Simon You think you know such a lot about everything, and you’re as ignorant as a frog.

Sorel Judith

wrong.

David

Why a frog?

I give you my solemn promise, David, that you’re

I don’t want your solemn promise, because I know

I’m right.

It’s no use arguing with Father, Mother. Why isn’t it any use arguing with Father?

Because you’re both so pig-headed!

Are you content to sit here, Judith, and let your son insult me?

Judith He’s your son as well as mine. David I begin to doubt it.

Judith (bursting into tears of rage) David! Simon (consoling her) Father, how can you!

David (throwing his MS on floor) I’ll never attempt to read any of you anything again, as long as I live. You’re not a bit interested in my work, and you don’t give a damn whether I’m a success or a failure.

Judith You’re dead certain to be a failure if you cram your books with inaccuracies.

David (hammering the table with his fist) I am not inaccurate! Judith Yes (Rising.) you are; and you’re foul-tempered and

spoilt.

David Spoilt! I like that! Nobody here spoils me – you’re the most insufferable family to live with—

Judith Well, why in Heaven’s name don’t you go and live somewhere else?

Simon

Sorel

Simon

David

There’s gratitude!

Gratitude for what, I’d like to know? Mother, keep calm.

Calm! I’m furious.

What have you got to be furious about? Everyone rushing round adoring you and saying how wonderful you are—

David Judith Sorel Judith

David

Act Three 93

94 Hay Fever

Judith I am wonderful, Heaven knows, to have stood you for all these years!

Sorel Mother, do sit down and be quiet. (Rises.)

Simon (rises and puts his arm round his mother) How dare you

speak to Mother like that!

During this scene, Myra, Jackie, Richard and Sandy creep downstairs with their bags, unperceived by the family. They make for the front door.

Judith (wailing) Oh, oh! To think that my daughter should turn against me!

Don’t be theatrical.

I’m not theatrical – I’m wounded to the heart. Rubbish – rubbish – rubbish!

Don’t you say Rubbish to me!

I will say Rubbish!

David

Judith

David

Judith

David

They all shout at each other as loud as possible.

Sorel Simon

􏰅 (together) David

Sshhh, Father!

That’s right! Be the dutiful daughter and encourage your father—

Listen to me, Judith— Oh, this is dreadful – dreadful!

The whole thing doesn’t really matter in the least— – to insult your mother— The place de la Concorde—

I never realized how small you were, David. You’re tiny.

Judith

Sorel

Simon David

Judith

􏰅 (together)

The universal pandemonium is suddenly broken by the front door slamming. There is dead silence for a moment, then the noise of a car is heard. Sorel runs and looks out of the window.

Simon ( flops in his chair again) There now! Sorel They’ve all gone!

Judith (sitting down) How very rude!

David (also sitting down) People really do behave in the most extraordinary manner these days—

Come back and finish your breakfast, Sorel. All right. (She sits down.)

Go on, David darling; I’m dying to hear the

David ( picks up his MS from the floor – reading) ‘Jane Sefton, in her scarlet Hispano, swept out of the Rue St Honore ́ into the Place de la Concorde—’

Curtain